Round and Round the Carousel of Hell.

I’ve been a lot more anxious recently. So much so that my psych has temporarily increased my meds dosage to help me get by and sleep at night. At least this time I know and understand what my trigger is – my 8 year old son. I mentioned a few posts ago that he’s recently been diagnosed with an overlap of ASD & ADHD, and that at least I know what I am working with now.

However recently his behaviour has been going backwards at home and most noticeably at school. He’s been devolving into very toddler like temper tantrums of crying and shouting and banging his head. He’d not done these things to this extent since the first half of the year. It coincides with his finishing up at a program held at another school last term. He spent 2 days a week for 2 school terms at the other school where they focussed on behaviour and social and emotional skills. It was a small group of six kids. There were 2 teachers plus a handful of helpers, so he had lots of one on one attention on those days.

During that time he’d really matured, and stopped having these ‘meltdowns’. But since the program ended he’s started to slip. I think it’s because at his school he doesn’t have someone dedicated to bringing back his focus when he loses it. It’s not possible for the teacher to give her undivided attention to him. So his excessive energy gets him out of control, he can’t come back down and it’s hell for him, his teacher and the rest of the class. And it’s showing at home too.

We go back to the paediatrician in 3 weeks time, and hopefully she will have a strategy in place to help him deal with the ADHD (and as an extension hopefully also the ASD). But until then, having a diagnosis isn’t helping as much as I imagined it would.

I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve been anxious, and stressed, losing my temper quickly. Unable to think straight. I’m exhausted. I’m snappy. I’ve been digging my fingernails into my palms, leaving them bruised and sore. The rubber band on my wrist hasn’t been helping me much. My wrist has dark shadows of bruising mixed with angry red welts where I’ve snapped the band so hard. But it’s not bringing the relief that it should. I’m one or two steps away from playing with knives … and I don’t want to go down that blackhole.

Hopefully the med increase will help me out. It had better because I’m getting closer and closer to the edge. I’ve told my ex that if he doesn’t help me more with the kids and what’s going on it will come to a point where I dump them on him and take off and never come back … or I end up in hospital, or dead. I love my kids with all my heart, but I can’t sustain the stress of raising them all on my own, of coping with the problems they have in addition to my own illness.

I hate that my threshold for coping under duress is so much lower than other people. But it’s just the way that I’m wired. I can’t change it, no matter how guilty I may feel about it. And I judge myself more harshly than anyone could ever judge me. And I’d never ever presume to judge anyone to the same degree of harshness I apply to myself.

And the stress of what’s going on with my kids, coupled with my inability to cope – triggers my guilt over my inability to cope. And round and round the carousel of hell goes. A never ending cycle of anxiety and self blame, triggering more anxiety and self blame.

et cetera. ad nauseam.

4 thoughts on “Round and Round the Carousel of Hell.

  1. I don’t have kids but I feel every parent is a superhero. Lots of respect to you holding it all together by yourself – albeit barely. I would never see you as ‘less capable’ under duress. I believe that we are actually stronger than ordinary folk because we face the same stressors as them but without the biological construct to cope. You’ll see, your meds will make all the difference and will see you through to the paediatrician’s appointment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words, and for the reminder. Sometimes I forget that I do have strength. It’s in there, holding me together – stopping me from running, or doing much worse.
      And I can get through this. Hopefully without overthinking it and stressing myself out more!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand your worries….
    I’m a mother and any thing that goes wrong with my child, I place all the blame on myself. If I snap because I’m tired or stressed I allow it to make me feel like a bad person/parent. I’m not a single parent but at times it feels like it, my husband has problems of his own caused by TBI. It is overwhelming at times but it sounds like you are doing good!! Think of if this way….you HAVEN’T ran away, you HAVEN’T cut…. That is more than lots of parents can say so give yourself a pat on the back 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      I appreciate your kind words. It’s always comforting to know I’m not alone.
      And thank you for reminding me that the fact I haven’t followed my flight instincts is a good thing! Sometimes I forget to look at the good things I have done/am doing.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s