A Little More Backstory

I have been a single parent for 2 years – ever since the life altering moment when my now ex decided he just “couldn’t do this anymore” and walked out after the children had gone to bed. What he meant of course was that he couldn’t be with me anymore. At the time I was blindsided, I didn’t see it coming. I was getting treatment for my illness and was actually breaking ground and getting better. His leaving was a huge shock at the time, but eventually I have come to understand why he had to leave me.

However, he fucked up royally by leaving me to deal with the aftermath of his decision. I (still to this day) have to field the endless questions of why daddy left without saying goodbye, the nightmares, the fears that I’ll disappear in the middle of the night. Some of the residual effects are still present in the both of my children and that pains me deeply.

For the first couple of months after he left, he didn’t call them or see them – I could have fucking eviscerated him. How does a person who adored his children from day they were born – who had an integral part in taking care of them; was so present in their lives – go from everything to nothing?

I get that he couldn’t deal with me anymore. I know that I’m a shit person to live with because of my flaws and the fucking dark clouds of bipolar that shrouds me at times. I also get the fact he probably felt guilty for abandoning the kids without warning. He maybe even felt a little guilty for hurting me. But that doesn’t excuse cutting off all contact with them for any length of time.

If it was only me in this equation, I would have said “Whatever. I’m well shot of this pillock.” and forget I ever knew him. But it was my children whose needs I had to think about. And I know that they want and need him in their lives. And honestly before all of this he was the best dad in the world. He really was.

Things have gotten better now, he calls them (from time to time) and has them stay once a week. It’s not really enough for them because deep down they miss him fiercely, miss having his constant presence in their lives. But at least he’s there for them in some capacity.

One of the things that still bother me is the fact that he’s never had to deal with the fallout from his leaving out of the blue. He left it all to me to clean up. I keep trying to explain to him, that he needs to acknowledge to them what he did wrong – to explain that it wasn’t their fault he left. However, because he doesn’t have to see the tears, the worry, the struggles they have – he thinks that everything is ok so he can just sweep it under the rug and forget it happened.

For someone so brave (he works in emergency services), he really can be gutless. He goes into shutdown over anything that forces him to admit to his imperfections, to acknowledge mistakes he has made, to look deeper into his heart and soul. He runs, runs like the wind, instead of confronting and dealing with emotional situations. Life gets tough and he’s checking for the exit, finding a loophole in the contract, eager to find a way out. He doesn’t deal – he runs.

I get that more than he understands – I spent most of my life running. But I stopped running. I had children and realised that I can’t run anymore. I have to face who I am, how I feel, all of the things I don’t like about myself, about my situation. I have to stand strong for them. Always for them.

5 thoughts on “A Little More Backstory

  1. iamcayenne says:

    Hmmmmm……….putting a full stop to our living flaws..can be difficult at times. But he still has to do it.

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    • Karlee says:

      I guess it just irks me that I have to deal with it all on my own. I was put into the shit without a choice, and he just swanned off leaving me to explain it all to the kids and help them through it.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Life is difficult enough without having a mental illness. Having to be a single parent while coping with your illness is a double whammy. Besides, children need their fathers. Whether or not their parents remain married, they need their fathers actively, responsibly and lovingly co-parenting them. It is just WRONG to run out on your children. I am so sorry that your ex did this to you and your children.

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    • Karlee says:

      Thank you Kitt. I am sorry he did it too – more for my kids than for me. But at least he is more present in their lives these days. And I know that there are a lot less fortunate children out there whose fathers (and mothers too) don’t have anything to do with them. That break my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am glad to hear that is more present in their lives now. I pray for your mental health, for your children to know how deeply they are loved (as clearly you love them), and for your children’s father to father them well. After divorce (and in your case paternal abandonment), it is possible to lovingly and cooperatively co-parent. I wish you the best.

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