I Choose This Life (But I Don’t Approve)

I often write my blog sitting alone on my bed. Tonight it occurred to me that though I’m drawn to spending all my spare time in bed, it’s a place haunted by misery and pain. It holds the painful memories of sharing it with the person I loved more than anything. It is a constant reminder of the emptiness both in my bed and in my heart.

I am lonely. I hate admitting that because I consciously choose to make my life this way. I choose to exile myself from the world. But even though I choose this path, it doesn’t exactly make me happy. It’s so difficult to explain. I don’t like being around people – they don’t understand me. They don’t think the way that I do or feel the way that I do. So I withdraw from the world. I lock myself away, thereby creating my loneliness.

Why would I choose loneliness? I think it’s because reality doesn’t compare with my imagination. I know it sounds like I have incredibly high expectations, impossible ideals, but why would I settle for harsh reality? Why would I settle when my inner life has so much more to offer me? If I can lose myself in my imaginary world for long enough I can conjure up peace: both of mind and soul.

It gets harder to leave the sanctuary of my imaginary world. The disappointment of reality burdens my heart. When I’m in the real world I am painfully aware of my loneliness and heartache. I’m aware that I don’t have a connection to someone special, that my heart isn’t entwined with another. So it’s too easy to retreat into my fantasy world, where I can dream up perfect love and perfect acceptance.

This loneliness always goes the same way. I’m (half heartedly) trying to convince myself that I am in love with someone who … ugh I don’t even want to explain this because it’s too embarrassing to admit even to myself. He is a person who exists on earth. But he doesn’t know me, I don’t even really know him. We’ve not actually met, not actually spoken to each other – but I’m infatuated with his voice, his eyes, his crooked grin. Honestly he may as well be imaginary because he is just so out of my reach.

And it’s even more hilarious (in the most self insulting way possible) that I’m acknowledging this train of thought. Clearly I’m not in love with him. I’m just lonely, so I imagine and project these false feelings onto him because he is unattainable. And by falling in love with the impossible I’m protecting my vulnerability. Because in my warped mind it’s better to be hurt by loving someone who doesn’t even know you exist, than it is to entrust your heart to a real person and risk them breaking it.

Thus I am in a perpetual circle of hurt and loneliness. I justify my self-imposed exile with the belief that if I put myself in reality I’d only end up hurt and lonely anyway. This circular “reasoning” is so draining. I put the word reasoning in quotation marks – because clearly the turmoil inside my head doesn’t have even a single iota of reason about it. Nothing about what I have typed is reasonable – except maybe my admission that this entire post is unreasonable.

3 thoughts on “I Choose This Life (But I Don’t Approve)

  1. Hev says:

    Reblogged this on A Little Place of My Own and commented:
    I could’ve almost written this post myself. That fantasy world is pretty intoxicating and the reality never quite matches up, so eventually you just live in your head rather than face the pain of the real world! It isn’t healthy but it’s hard to break that mindset.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve lived in a fantasy world for years as an escape from reality. Can totally empathise with some of your thoughts. I started writing because I just didn’t know what to do with myself, and the darkness inside. I keep on getting glimpses of it now and again, when I think of my fantasy world and how unattainable it is, I feel pain inside. I’ve also struggled a lot with low self-esteem, my blog has been helping me a lot. But then I have struggles with that too, so struggles all around. I am really glad we have connected 🙂

    Like

    • Karlee says:

      I’ve said it a lot these past couple of months since I started blogging, and I’ll keep saying it – I am ever so grateful that I found so many great bloggers like you that I can feel connected to. No matter what kind of day or moment I’m having – knowing that there are others who think and feel the same kinds of things that I do has helped me to not feel so alone.
      I am really glad that my stumbling into writing a blog has helped me to connect with you too!

      Like

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