One of the things I struggle with when I’m physically sick is depression. Right now I’m fighting off a sinus & chest infection and I’m taking up a lot of my energy to not spiral down into the mental dumps. The thing that bothers me the most is that I’m forced to take time off work. I hate having to take time off work for illness, it’s just something that wracks me with guilt even though I legitimately shouldn’t be at work.
Here is how it’s going in my mind – “It’s only a little cold, man up and go to work”. But in reality it’s not just a “little cold” in reality I’ve been up half the night coughing and gasping for air. I can’t talk for any period of time without descending into a painful coughing fit. My lungs and stomach ache from all the coughing. The doctor has prescribed me antibiotics, and ordered me to have bed rest at least until Friday.
And yet, I still dragged myself into work today because I hate taking a “sick day”. I’m not a workaholic, I’m really really not. I just have an impossibly high personal work ethic that doesn’t include sick leave. But apparently it doesn’t matter what I think I can do – my boss has (and I’d say rightly so if it were anyone else but me) sent me home. And while my body is glad for it – my soul-eater aspect is starting to needle it’s way into my consciousness and attempt to convince me that the people at work think I’m just slacking off, and are talking about me behind my back. That all I’m going to be remembered for is the girl who faked being sick.
Yes I know it’s ridiculous, but I know myself well enough to know that the thoughts I have aren’t always logical and definitely not necessarily healthy. But I also know how powerful my mind is, and how it can make me believe practically anything it wants me to. It’s really quite annoying on one hand, knowing one thing but on the other still persisting in believing something totally different. This is where the fracturing of my mind into different aspects is really stressful.
Please excuse this abrupt ending, I need to lie down.
A Mercurial Peculiarity 
Keep telling yourself the right things till you believe them. And keep telling yourself you gotta be gentler with yourself too.
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You are so right and I am trying to be nicer to myself. It’s just not easy, especially when I am physically exhausted. But I’m still getting back up on the horse – if nothing else, I am resilient!!
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I know how you feel about taking sick leave – I also feel guilty. But I’m also with blahpolar on this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The rest of the world is already hard on you because you are ‘different’ and have bipolar. The last thing your psyche needs is the world AND you being hard on you. And it’s when you’re physically sick that you’re vulnerable to having episodes. So rest up, and take care of yourself, friend. I haven’t forgotten our deal by the way. I’m busy choosing my recipients. Take care and remember taking sick leave doesn’t mean you are weak, it just means you love yourself and value your health 🙂
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Thank you so much for your kind words. When I’m too exhausted to remember to be kinder to myself, it’s helps to have someone else to remind me!
Thanks to the reminders from you & blahpolar – I have actually made the decision to care for myself today and have less reluctantly taken the day off to rest. Logically I know I can’t run myself into the ground because I won’t get better without rest.
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I’m thrilled you’re taking care of yourself 😀 It does feel uncomfortable at first because its a new behaviour. I’m so proud of you for putting your needs first. Rest up, relax, sleep and you’ll be better in no time xx
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I can totally relate to this. Sometimes it’s hard to take care of ourselves without feeling guilty for it, but I’m so glad that you’re taking the time that you need. I hope you feel better soon!
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Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m trying to be better to myself and ignore the guilt.
Thanks for your well wish, I’m sure I’ll be better soon!
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It can definitely be an uphill battle, but every step counts. 🙂
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Hello, I have nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blog Award: http://cosywords.com/2014/12/21/very-inspiring-blog-award/
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I really wish you’d read my blog called “Just five minutes” It is how I got out of my struggle with depression. And when it tries to sneak back in it is how I always drive it out. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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