Reconnected and Relieved

It feels like a lifetime since I was last here, but it’s only been a little over a month. And what a month! I’ve moved into my new home and my telecommunications provider has finally deigned to bestow upon me an Internet connection. I don’t want to complain about minor inconveniences, but I’m glad that the only real thing I’ve had in the way of problems I’ve had over the past month is waiting impatiently to get back online!

I saw my psychiatrist in the middle of last month, and she was surprised and very pleased by how well I’ve been coping with the big deal of moving house. I’m feeling mentally capable at the moment a feeling I’m appreciating while it lasts.

I still have this unsettled feeling that I’m still living in limbo, waiting for that tomorrow (the one that never comes) to really get on and live life.  Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I’m expecting to much … but whatever it is expectation and reality aren’t meshing. I feel like there should be something more. Exactly what that is I don’t know … But I get the distinct impression that there has to be more to life than what I’m currently doing with it.

But like always, the procrastinator in me urges me to leave it for another day. The allure of the fantasy world of books is too irresistible to ignore.

Sweating the Small Stuff

I’ve always considered myself to be very flexible to change, I go with the flow and just get on with life as things around me change. But occasionally there are small things, that in reality have nothing to do with me, but I become so used to their presence that I actually experience anxiety when they aren’t there.

Some years ago when I was studying, I used to park in a multi level carpark, and 3 levels up was some kind of coupe under a protective cover parked in the same place, every day. One day, I’d miscounted how many levels I was on, and thought that the car wasn’t there. I felt a rush of panic coursing through me that this incongruity could destabilise my world and all that I knew. It only subsided as I rounded the next corner and saw it still parked there.

I have no idea who the owner of the car was, or the circumstances surrounding it being parked in a public carpark with a car cover on it. But the thought of it not being there had a terrifying effect. It had no bearing on my life at all, but I became used to things being just so, and it was a constant in my ever changing world.

There are lots of little things like this that make me panic and anxious, and yet I seem to cruise through massive upheavals with little trouble. It’s kind of odd isn’t it?

Finally … and I do NOT

Finally after waiting for what feels like forever (it’s only been 5 months, but still!) I finally have a date I can move into my new home! The place was finished being built late November/early December … but then Christmas and New Year happened and I was stuck in a limbo waiting for a date of settlement.

And … *drum roll* … February 2nd is the big day! I am so excited I squealed when I received the text message from my dad confirming the date. And I never squeal! I’ve never been a girly girl, but I gave the girliest squeal ever! My very own place, my very own fresh start.

I can actually hand in my notice of intent to leave to my estate agent and tell them to stick it up their arses. Well not literally, I want my deposit back! But in my head that’s what I’ll be saying: A great big eff you!

Just the thought of having my very own home makes me want to squeal all over again! But it’s 12.19am, squealing is not an appropriate thing to do when I live in very close proximity to my neighbours (block of townhouses makes for less privacy).

At least this move will give me something to focus on other than something that has slowly been creeping up on my mind and taking permanent residence. An idea that has been growing the more I try to suppress and ignore it. Something I don’t even want to acknowledge because if I admit it to myself then it becomes real. And I really, really, don’t want this thought to manifest itself into reality. I don’t have time, energy, or desire to make the idea a reality.

I fear that I am developing a crush on someone. And I really don’t want to have a crush on him. It’s not something that would go anywhere, it couldn’t go anywhere. And I don’t even want to consider it going anywhere. But the less I feed it – the more it fricking grows. I swear it’s consuming my mind at the most inappropriate times of the day – when I am supposed to be talking to customers at work, or trying to sleep at night (like now).

I’m projecting, this is what it has to be. I’m subconsciously lonely and longing for someone, and so I’m projecting a crush on a specific guy. I must be talking myself into thinking I have a crush (on him in particular) for 2 reasons: he is there in my everyday life and we get along really well. But I know, I know that we are only meant to be friends. I only want to be friends. I logically couldn’t be interested in this person. It just cannot happen. It will not happen. I will not allow it to happen.

I cannot, do not, will not, have a silly crush on a guy I work with who is almost 10 years younger than me. It’s all in my head, and it’s not true. Not even a little bit. Not at all. Never a crush. Never on him.

Never in a million years.

All Tapped Out

As much as I have enjoyed all of the social events that I have been to over the past month, I think I have well and truly exceeded my exhaustion limits for face to face socialisation. I am utterly drained and feel like I could spend an eternity alone and in silence. My mum always talks about how being around people and socialising energises her. It does the exact opposite to me. It completely drains my energy and it takes a lot of time to recharge.

I’m not sorry I’ve been out, not at all. I’m just going to be paying for it some time with emotional (and physical) exhaustion. I’m all tapped out and just need to be alone to rebuild my strength, and reset my conversational limits.

Am I just weird or does this make sense to someone?

Happy New Year

As I sit here at my lap top, on the last day of 2014, I am reflecting over the past 12 months. Overall I have to say it’s been pretty good. I’ve had some terrible moments, but I think that I’ve made massive progress in dealing with my peculiarities (i.e. Bipolar, Anxiety, etc)

Case in point – in the last month alone I’ve attended no less than 5 social functions (some with work and some with family) and made it through them. In fact I actually even managed to enjoy them! Plus I didn’t feel the overwhelming need to retreat after the first hour of socialising – this achievement in itself is totally amazing and new for me!

I’ve finally made the decision to study next year – I’ve been putting off doing a Bachelor of Science for the past 3 years. I’d started and then my ex left, and things went a little downhill and I needed time to get myself together emotionally and financially. So I’m ready and waiting. I’ll be studying part time, and I hope I finally finish a degree.

Hopefully in the early new year I’ll be moving into my brand new home, which is basically my fresh start for me and the kids. No more living in a house that is trapped with bad memories and sadness of my relationship breakdown. And no more renting! I will finally have my very own home which excites me more than anything.

Since starting this blog in September, I have made some really lovely friends and I am so very grateful for this network and these connections I have made. I look forward to reading more of your blogs, and talking more with you and hopefully we can help each other grow and become stronger. Oh and I finally realised that I reached the 100 subscribers milestone – so thank you to everyone who reads and especially comments on my posts. You have no idea how much it means to me to not feel so alone in this world – I thank you most sincerely and emphatically.

So as we head into the New Year I just want to wish you all strength, happiness, love and a totally brilliant year ahead. See you next year!
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Merry Christmas

I just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and hope the day is filled with plenty of joy, laughter and cherished moments with loved ones.

I’m doing pretty well at the moment. I had a session with my psychiatrist last Monday, and she’s happy with how I’m doing on the increased meds.

I’ve actually really made some progress over the last months in terms of dealing with my social anxiety – I’ve been to 2 Christmas parties through work, participated in my departments Kris Kringle – which involved an after work gathering. I also went to my team Christmas Breakfast. I’m very proud of myself for putting aside my anxieties and fears and making the effort to socialise.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read & comment on my blog since I began it in September. I really value the connections I have made, and actually experiencing the fact I am not alone in this world. It’s one thing to logically know that other people like me exist, it’s another to actually realise it.

Again I wish you a very safe & merry holiday season.  Much love to you all.

Emotional Abuse & Low Self Esteem

I have issues with self esteem, it’s been something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. Thinking back, I think it initially began with my ballet teacher. She taught the R.A.D (Royal Academy of Dance) classical ballet – and was known for being strict and disciplined. In terms of classical ballet – her school was one of the best around, because of the high standards associated with the R.A.D.

However she was a horrible person. If I were more spiritual I’d venture to say she had a very dark and nasty soul. Logically though I think she was mentally disturbed.

She treated people either with general indifference, or sheer nastiness. I was one of the people she singled out to mistreat. Nothing I ever did was good enough – right from the beginning she picked on me. I was only 6 years old – and preparing for my primary ballet exams. All grades were gathered and taking turns to rehearse their solo dance for the examination. Others made mistakes, big mistakes, and she’d get them to start again. If I did something minor – like not look up at the introduction, or not smile, I was sent to the back of the line, no second chance. This went on all night, it got late, well and truly beyond my bed time – and I’d not even been given the chance to do a full run through of my dance. Each time I was sent to the back of the line for a minor infraction.

It got worse as I got older. When I started a growth spurt at about 10, one leg grew faster than the other. So I had 1 leg a little longer than the other. As a result, my hips didn’t sit straight. My teacher would yell at me for not standing straight and hit my hip. Sometimes she’d grab me round the neck and pull me upwards.

One time, one of the girls in my class asked me what I got for my exams and I’d received honours, and told her so – and I never ever boasted, just quietly stated my grading. My teacher yelled at me and told me I had no right to brag about my grading, and never to talk about how I did in the exams. She never told anyone else off for talking about their results, only me. I wasn’t allowed to be happy that I got high marks.

Because of her devaluing me at every chance, I learned to believe that I was worthless. I tried so hard to gain her approval, but never could. And I suffered emotionally & physically at her hands. And yet, year after year I kept going back. Like a sick little puppet on a string I tried to bend to her every whim. It wasn’t until I was 12 that my mother finally had enough of her behaviour towards me and pulled me out of the school, 2 weeks before the end of year concert.

But by then the damage had been done. I hated myself, and in my eyes I couldn’t measure up to anyones expectations. I was a loser. And I was lost, without my tormentor. Without her poison to drag me down I turned to poisoning myself. I started the emotional abuse, perpetuating all the things about myself she made me believe. It’s sick, I know. But I was young, impressionable and because I couldn’t gain her acceptance I believed that something was wrong with me.

She planted the seeds of abuse, but I’m the one who took a steel pipe and bashed the living hell out of my self esteem.  She was just a bully, but because of her I learned exactly how to torment myself.

Illness and Depression

One of the things I struggle with when I’m physically sick is depression. Right now I’m fighting off a sinus & chest infection and I’m taking up a lot of my energy to not spiral down into the mental dumps. The thing that bothers me the most is that I’m forced to take time off work. I hate having to take time off work for illness, it’s just something that wracks me with guilt even though I legitimately shouldn’t be at work.

Here is how it’s going in my mind – “It’s only a little cold, man up and go to work”. But in reality it’s not just a “little cold” in reality I’ve been up half the night coughing and gasping for air. I can’t talk for any period of time without descending into a painful coughing fit. My lungs and stomach ache from all the coughing. The doctor has prescribed me antibiotics, and ordered me to have bed rest at least until Friday.

And yet, I still dragged myself into work today because I hate taking a “sick day”. I’m not a workaholic, I’m really really not. I just have an impossibly high personal work ethic that doesn’t include sick leave. But apparently it doesn’t matter what I think I can do – my boss has (and I’d say rightly so if it were anyone else but me) sent me home. And while my body is glad for it – my soul-eater aspect is starting to needle it’s way into my consciousness and attempt to convince me that the people at work think I’m just slacking off, and are talking about me behind my back. That all I’m going to be remembered for is the girl who faked being sick.

Yes I know it’s ridiculous, but I know myself well enough to know that the thoughts I have aren’t always logical and definitely not necessarily healthy. But I also know how powerful my mind is, and how it can make me believe practically anything it wants me to. It’s really quite annoying on one hand, knowing one thing but on the other still persisting in believing something totally different. This is where the fracturing of my mind into different aspects is really stressful.

Please excuse this abrupt ending, I need to lie down.

I’m Party Animal

As I wrote previously I went out last week for a Christmas Party, got more drunk than I had any right to be, and stayed out till like 4am. Next weekend I have my work Christmas Party. I don’t think I’ll be drinking but I’m definitely going – I’ve agreed to give a mate a ride there and back to force myself to attend! And for the first time since gosh I can’t remember (maybe 1999! haha) I have some tentative plans for New Years Eve.

Look out party girl Karlee is on the loose!!

Not really, the NYE plans aren’t huge. I’m going to my brother and his girlfriend’s place – they are having some friends over to celebrate the new year. It will be the first time since having my children that I won’t be with them. Their dad is going to take them to see his parents a few days after Christmas (they live in the country) and he’ll bring them back sometime early January.

I normally spend New Year’s Eve in bed asleep, helps stave off the depression of ringing in another year that will probably end up being as shitty as the previous one. It’s usually just another night … but this time it’s probably going to be awkward as heck when all the couples invited to my brothers place give their significant others big New Years kisses. Oh cripes if I don’t stop thinking about that I’ll end up making up some terribly transparent excuse to not go. And I can’t do that, my brother already worries about me and is over protective enough as it is! He’d probably kick down my door and drag me to his place if I made up an excuse.

At least the NYE thing will be casual. I have to dress up for the Christmas function this weekend. The theme is like cocktail (or something like that) with a “touch of bling” if there was ever a word I hated it is bling. If I was a smart ass I’d turn up with a diamond grill in my mouth and a giant gangster chain round my neck. But I’m not that brave, so I got a couple of understated pieces of jewellery and a pair of silver shoes to wear with a black dress. The shoes are quite pretty, not really the kind of thing I’d go for in usual circumstances – but I think they’ll fit the theme really well. Plus they fit my obscenely giant feet!

But I think 3 parties will tide me over until the end of next year! haha!

Today The Loneliness Hurts A Little

I’m feeling a little melancholic today and I’m not really sure why. I’m not depressed (not yet anyway) it’s just that there is a little heaviness in my heart. I think it’s the fact it’s getting close to Christmas and New Year’s Eve. It really sucks feeling lonely at this time of year.

Three of my team mates at work became engaged over the past couple of months and so they do a lot of gossiping about their upcoming weddings and all the plans they are making. I’m not jealous, I’m really, really, not. I don’t want to get married, not really. It just seems like too much of a hassle and too much money to invest into a single event.

I just want someone to love me. But I know that can’t happen until I love myself. I really don’t have the energy to devote to anyone else when I am still so fragile. And I can’t honestly say that I have any love for myself. I don’t hate so much anymore, but I’m still a long way from love. Indifference I think it where I am at in my feelings about myself. Oscillating between sheer indifference and vague dislike.

And until I can find at least a shred of love to give to myself, there is no way I could even begin to let another person into my life. That would be dishonest and irresponsible. I couldn’t expect anyone to love me when I haven’t any for myself. But how do you make yourself love something you are so heavily programmed to have negative feelings towards? That is something I don’t yet have an answer to, but I’ll keep looking I guess.

Unfortunately logic and rationality doesn’t ease the nagging sadness in my heart.