Reconnected and Relieved

It feels like a lifetime since I was last here, but it’s only been a little over a month. And what a month! I’ve moved into my new home and my telecommunications provider has finally deigned to bestow upon me an Internet connection. I don’t want to complain about minor inconveniences, but I’m glad that the only real thing I’ve had in the way of problems I’ve had over the past month is waiting impatiently to get back online!

I saw my psychiatrist in the middle of last month, and she was surprised and very pleased by how well I’ve been coping with the big deal of moving house. I’m feeling mentally capable at the moment a feeling I’m appreciating while it lasts.

I still have this unsettled feeling that I’m still living in limbo, waiting for that tomorrow (the one that never comes) to really get on and live life.  Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I’m expecting to much … but whatever it is expectation and reality aren’t meshing. I feel like there should be something more. Exactly what that is I don’t know … But I get the distinct impression that there has to be more to life than what I’m currently doing with it.

But like always, the procrastinator in me urges me to leave it for another day. The allure of the fantasy world of books is too irresistible to ignore.

Finally … and I do NOT

Finally after waiting for what feels like forever (it’s only been 5 months, but still!) I finally have a date I can move into my new home! The place was finished being built late November/early December … but then Christmas and New Year happened and I was stuck in a limbo waiting for a date of settlement.

And … *drum roll* … February 2nd is the big day! I am so excited I squealed when I received the text message from my dad confirming the date. And I never squeal! I’ve never been a girly girl, but I gave the girliest squeal ever! My very own place, my very own fresh start.

I can actually hand in my notice of intent to leave to my estate agent and tell them to stick it up their arses. Well not literally, I want my deposit back! But in my head that’s what I’ll be saying: A great big eff you!

Just the thought of having my very own home makes me want to squeal all over again! But it’s 12.19am, squealing is not an appropriate thing to do when I live in very close proximity to my neighbours (block of townhouses makes for less privacy).

At least this move will give me something to focus on other than something that has slowly been creeping up on my mind and taking permanent residence. An idea that has been growing the more I try to suppress and ignore it. Something I don’t even want to acknowledge because if I admit it to myself then it becomes real. And I really, really, don’t want this thought to manifest itself into reality. I don’t have time, energy, or desire to make the idea a reality.

I fear that I am developing a crush on someone. And I really don’t want to have a crush on him. It’s not something that would go anywhere, it couldn’t go anywhere. And I don’t even want to consider it going anywhere. But the less I feed it – the more it fricking grows. I swear it’s consuming my mind at the most inappropriate times of the day – when I am supposed to be talking to customers at work, or trying to sleep at night (like now).

I’m projecting, this is what it has to be. I’m subconsciously lonely and longing for someone, and so I’m projecting a crush on a specific guy. I must be talking myself into thinking I have a crush (on him in particular) for 2 reasons: he is there in my everyday life and we get along really well. But I know, I know that we are only meant to be friends. I only want to be friends. I logically couldn’t be interested in this person. It just cannot happen. It will not happen. I will not allow it to happen.

I cannot, do not, will not, have a silly crush on a guy I work with who is almost 10 years younger than me. It’s all in my head, and it’s not true. Not even a little bit. Not at all. Never a crush. Never on him.

Never in a million years.

Happy New Year

As I sit here at my lap top, on the last day of 2014, I am reflecting over the past 12 months. Overall I have to say it’s been pretty good. I’ve had some terrible moments, but I think that I’ve made massive progress in dealing with my peculiarities (i.e. Bipolar, Anxiety, etc)

Case in point – in the last month alone I’ve attended no less than 5 social functions (some with work and some with family) and made it through them. In fact I actually even managed to enjoy them! Plus I didn’t feel the overwhelming need to retreat after the first hour of socialising – this achievement in itself is totally amazing and new for me!

I’ve finally made the decision to study next year – I’ve been putting off doing a Bachelor of Science for the past 3 years. I’d started and then my ex left, and things went a little downhill and I needed time to get myself together emotionally and financially. So I’m ready and waiting. I’ll be studying part time, and I hope I finally finish a degree.

Hopefully in the early new year I’ll be moving into my brand new home, which is basically my fresh start for me and the kids. No more living in a house that is trapped with bad memories and sadness of my relationship breakdown. And no more renting! I will finally have my very own home which excites me more than anything.

Since starting this blog in September, I have made some really lovely friends and I am so very grateful for this network and these connections I have made. I look forward to reading more of your blogs, and talking more with you and hopefully we can help each other grow and become stronger. Oh and I finally realised that I reached the 100 subscribers milestone – so thank you to everyone who reads and especially comments on my posts. You have no idea how much it means to me to not feel so alone in this world – I thank you most sincerely and emphatically.

So as we head into the New Year I just want to wish you all strength, happiness, love and a totally brilliant year ahead. See you next year!
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Merry Christmas

I just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and hope the day is filled with plenty of joy, laughter and cherished moments with loved ones.

I’m doing pretty well at the moment. I had a session with my psychiatrist last Monday, and she’s happy with how I’m doing on the increased meds.

I’ve actually really made some progress over the last months in terms of dealing with my social anxiety – I’ve been to 2 Christmas parties through work, participated in my departments Kris Kringle – which involved an after work gathering. I also went to my team Christmas Breakfast. I’m very proud of myself for putting aside my anxieties and fears and making the effort to socialise.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read & comment on my blog since I began it in September. I really value the connections I have made, and actually experiencing the fact I am not alone in this world. It’s one thing to logically know that other people like me exist, it’s another to actually realise it.

Again I wish you a very safe & merry holiday season.  Much love to you all.

I’m Party Animal

As I wrote previously I went out last week for a Christmas Party, got more drunk than I had any right to be, and stayed out till like 4am. Next weekend I have my work Christmas Party. I don’t think I’ll be drinking but I’m definitely going – I’ve agreed to give a mate a ride there and back to force myself to attend! And for the first time since gosh I can’t remember (maybe 1999! haha) I have some tentative plans for New Years Eve.

Look out party girl Karlee is on the loose!!

Not really, the NYE plans aren’t huge. I’m going to my brother and his girlfriend’s place – they are having some friends over to celebrate the new year. It will be the first time since having my children that I won’t be with them. Their dad is going to take them to see his parents a few days after Christmas (they live in the country) and he’ll bring them back sometime early January.

I normally spend New Year’s Eve in bed asleep, helps stave off the depression of ringing in another year that will probably end up being as shitty as the previous one. It’s usually just another night … but this time it’s probably going to be awkward as heck when all the couples invited to my brothers place give their significant others big New Years kisses. Oh cripes if I don’t stop thinking about that I’ll end up making up some terribly transparent excuse to not go. And I can’t do that, my brother already worries about me and is over protective enough as it is! He’d probably kick down my door and drag me to his place if I made up an excuse.

At least the NYE thing will be casual. I have to dress up for the Christmas function this weekend. The theme is like cocktail (or something like that) with a “touch of bling” if there was ever a word I hated it is bling. If I was a smart ass I’d turn up with a diamond grill in my mouth and a giant gangster chain round my neck. But I’m not that brave, so I got a couple of understated pieces of jewellery and a pair of silver shoes to wear with a black dress. The shoes are quite pretty, not really the kind of thing I’d go for in usual circumstances – but I think they’ll fit the theme really well. Plus they fit my obscenely giant feet!

But I think 3 parties will tide me over until the end of next year! haha!

A Virtual Hug – One Lovely Blog Award

Thank you again Hev at A Little Place of My Own for nominating me for another blog award! I’m so honoured you consider my blog to be interesting enough a read to share with others 😀

one-lovely-blog

So to keep this thing going I first have to give you 7 facts about myself, and then nominate 7 people for this award.

7 Facts About Me

  1. If I find the way someone says a particular word (or makes a sound) intriguing I will often mimic it. Not because I’m taking the piss, but because I liked how it sounded and want to recreate it.
  2. I was born at 11:34pm and I’m a night owl. Coincidentally my daughter was also born at night and is a night owl, and my son was born in the morning and is an early bird.
  3. I can wiggle my ears.
  4. I started watching Season 7 of Doctor Who because there was not much else on ABC iView at the time and became hooked (I haven’t gone back to watch earlier episodes yet, but I’ll get around to it.)
  5. I don’t watch the television because I cannot stand advertisements – the only shows I watch appear on our government owned public broadcasting channel ABC and even then I only watch shows online (ABC iView).
  6. I love love love love British crime shows, comedies, and dramas. I’m lucky we get loads of those on the ABC.
  7. I love Musicals – my all time favourite has to be RENT.

My 7 Nominations:

Before I list my nominations, I just want to say that if Hev hadn’t already nominated me I’d be nominating her. I’ve discovered through reading her blog we have lots in common, and if I knew her in real life I think we’d be great friends.

I read so many great blogs and wish I could list them all. I’ll be fair and offer nominations for a few I read often and that are different from my last award nominations:

  1. The Persistent Platypus
  2. Take a Ride on my Mood Swing
  3. INFJ Ramblings
  4. Blahpolar Diaries
  5. Pieces of Bipolar
  6. Journey with Carley
  7. Hazelnut Pie

To those I’ve nominated, I won’t be upset or offended if you choose to ignore my nomination. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your blogs, and reading them helps me feel connected to this world.

A Tale of Travelling Underpants

I spent the day at home as I usually do on a Wednesday, enjoying a little peace and quiet while the monsters are at school. At around 3:20pm it was time to pick them up. I grabbed a pair of newly washed jeans from out of the dryer and got changed to pick the kids up (my lazy days sweatpants are NOT appropriate outdoors attire!)

I picked up the children, and stopped off at the supermarket to buy a few things. And then I went to the petrol station to fill up the car. I went in and paid and on my way out, while walking to my car, I noticed some dark purple fabric in a ball on the ground right in the path I had walked on my way in. It grabbed my attention because I didn’t notice it on my way in.

Curious, I slowed slightly on approach when to my horror I realised that they were a pair of underpants. More specifically they were a pair of MY underpants. My guess is that they must have gotten caught up inside the jeans while the washing was in the dryer. Then when I put on the jeans, the underpants were balled up against my leg and slowly but surely creeped their way down and onto the ground without me noticing.

When I realised what they were, what did I do? I pretended I had no idea what they were and how they got there and I practically ran back to my car.  So now there are a pair of my perfectly good and clean knickers balled up in a pile in the middle of a petrol station. I can only hope that there is no reason for anyone to view security footage of the station today.

Happy Halloween!!!!

Photo on 25-10-2014 at 11.16 am - Version 2

-★-
Spirits of the Dead

by Edgar Allen Poe (1809-1849)
____________

Thy soul shall find itself alone
‘Mid dark thoughts of the grey tomb-stone;
Not one, of all the crowd, to pry
Into thine hour of secrecy.

Be silent in that solitude,
Which is not loneliness — for then
The spirits of the dead, who stood
In life before thee, are again
In death around thee, and their will
Shall overshadow thee; be still.

The night, though clear, shall frown,
And the stars shall not look down
From their high thrones in the Heaven
With light like hope to mortals given,
But their red orbs, without beam,
To thy weariness shall seem
As a burning and a fever
Which would cling to thee for ever.

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish,
Now are visions ne’er to vanish;
From thy spirit shall they pass
No more, like dew-drop from the grass.

The breeze, the breath of God, is still,
And the mist upon the hill
Shadowy, shadowy, yet unbroken,
Is a symbol and a token.
How it hangs upon the trees,
A mystery of mysteries!

-★-

Pay it Forward – The Liebster Award.

I want to say thank you to Hev over at alittleplaceofmyown for nominating my blog for the Liebster Award.

Liebster Award Badge

It would be rude of me not to pass it forward, so I’ll answer the questions like so:

11 Facts About Me 

  1. I have 7 piercings in my ears.
  2. I used to play World of Warcraft a lot.
  3. I am right handed.
  4. I’m terribly indecisive – which is the reason why I don’t have any tattoos I’m terrified I’d hate the design in the future.
  5. I like drinking Long Island Iced Tea.
  6. I have a crush on David Beckham.
  7. I can twist a jelly snake into a knot using only my tongue.
  8. I often wake myself up by talking, or simulating actions (e.g: drinking an imaginary cup of tea, or eating an imaginary bowl of noodles) in my sleep.
  9. I am terrified of heights – I can’t even stand on a chair without getting vertigo.
  10. I am a chronic nail biter, which freaks me out because I am also a massive germaphobe.
  11. I love the sound of crunching ice (the frozen water type of ice)

Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have less than 200 followers

bipolarinpursuitofhappiness.wordpress.com/

discoveringmydiamond.wordpress.com

distractedbrainstorm.wordpress.com

imptiness.wordpress.com

livingnotjustexisting2014.wordpress.com

maniccalm.wordpress.com

mylittlepieceofquiet.wordpress.com

ourdarkthoughts.wordpress.com

raisingjordan.wordpress.com

silvermoon4444.wordpress.com

themamawithbipolardisorder.wordpress.com

Answer 11 questions posted by the presenter 

  1. Tea or coffee? Tea (but I also like Coffee)
  2. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark
  3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why? London for the energy and the fact that it is far busier and more populated than Melbourne. I am very drawn to the idea of being lost in a crowd where nobody knows or cares who I am. And oh boy do I want a guy who speaks just like Rupert Penry-Jones.
  4. What is your favourite film? My Fair Lady – Rex Harrison character Professor Henry Higgins captured my heart when he lamented over the misuse of the English language. I particularly detest how much English has been corrupted here in Australia (ugh you will never ever catch me pronouncing it Os-Tray-Ya)
  5. Who is your favourite superhero? Gambit (Marvel Comics)
  6. What advice would you give to other bloggers? Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are very important.
  7. Why did you start your blog? To share my experiences with Bipolar Disorder.
  8. And what have you learned about blogging since then? I am not alone – there are people out there who think and feel the same things that I do.
  9. What’s your favourite song? 
  10. What is your dream job? Film producer
  11. Who’s your favourite author? Oh my gosh,this one is too hard I love reading! I honestly can’t pick when I’ve got so many to choose from: Phillip K Dick, TS Eliot, George Orwell, Ray Bradbury, Anthony Burgess, Lewis Carroll, Arthur Conan Doyle, Edgar Allen Poe, Roald Dahl, Neil Gaiman, J.D. Salinger, H.G. Wells, Oscar Wilde, Jane Austen, Truman Capote the list is endless!!

Ask your nominees 11 questions

  1. Early Bird or Night Owl?
  2. What is the one possession you can’t live without?
  3. Do you call a summer squash a Zucchini or Courgette?
  4. Do you sleep with socks on or off?
  5. What was last photo you took with your phone?
  6. Do you prefer sweet or salty?
  7. Which fictional character are you most like?
  8. Chewing gum or breath mints?
  9. Do you prefer to buy groceries at a big chain supermarket or an independent market?
  10. What new skill, or piece of knowledge, would you most like to learn/acquire?
  11. Who do you admire the most, and why?

No Words…

Today I have no words of honesty to write.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, or don’t know what to say. It’s that I don’t know how to say it, not to this blog, not even to myself.

Words swim around my head aimlessly, and I can’t ascribe any meaning to them. Just when I think I’ve about grabbed a thought by the coattails, it slinks around the corner, slipping into the shadows, gone before I could get a proper hold. Gone before I could stare into the revelations of my soul.

I’m trying to sort out how I am feeling, but it’s as though I have put a wall around my own insight, blindfolded myself from knowledge of me.

I just don’t know about anything today.