Reconnected and Relieved

It feels like a lifetime since I was last here, but it’s only been a little over a month. And what a month! I’ve moved into my new home and my telecommunications provider has finally deigned to bestow upon me an Internet connection. I don’t want to complain about minor inconveniences, but I’m glad that the only real thing I’ve had in the way of problems I’ve had over the past month is waiting impatiently to get back online!

I saw my psychiatrist in the middle of last month, and she was surprised and very pleased by how well I’ve been coping with the big deal of moving house. I’m feeling mentally capable at the moment a feeling I’m appreciating while it lasts.

I still have this unsettled feeling that I’m still living in limbo, waiting for that tomorrow (the one that never comes) to really get on and live life.  Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I’m expecting to much … but whatever it is expectation and reality aren’t meshing. I feel like there should be something more. Exactly what that is I don’t know … But I get the distinct impression that there has to be more to life than what I’m currently doing with it.

But like always, the procrastinator in me urges me to leave it for another day. The allure of the fantasy world of books is too irresistible to ignore.

Finally … and I do NOT

Finally after waiting for what feels like forever (it’s only been 5 months, but still!) I finally have a date I can move into my new home! The place was finished being built late November/early December … but then Christmas and New Year happened and I was stuck in a limbo waiting for a date of settlement.

And … *drum roll* … February 2nd is the big day! I am so excited I squealed when I received the text message from my dad confirming the date. And I never squeal! I’ve never been a girly girl, but I gave the girliest squeal ever! My very own place, my very own fresh start.

I can actually hand in my notice of intent to leave to my estate agent and tell them to stick it up their arses. Well not literally, I want my deposit back! But in my head that’s what I’ll be saying: A great big eff you!

Just the thought of having my very own home makes me want to squeal all over again! But it’s 12.19am, squealing is not an appropriate thing to do when I live in very close proximity to my neighbours (block of townhouses makes for less privacy).

At least this move will give me something to focus on other than something that has slowly been creeping up on my mind and taking permanent residence. An idea that has been growing the more I try to suppress and ignore it. Something I don’t even want to acknowledge because if I admit it to myself then it becomes real. And I really, really, don’t want this thought to manifest itself into reality. I don’t have time, energy, or desire to make the idea a reality.

I fear that I am developing a crush on someone. And I really don’t want to have a crush on him. It’s not something that would go anywhere, it couldn’t go anywhere. And I don’t even want to consider it going anywhere. But the less I feed it – the more it fricking grows. I swear it’s consuming my mind at the most inappropriate times of the day – when I am supposed to be talking to customers at work, or trying to sleep at night (like now).

I’m projecting, this is what it has to be. I’m subconsciously lonely and longing for someone, and so I’m projecting a crush on a specific guy. I must be talking myself into thinking I have a crush (on him in particular) for 2 reasons: he is there in my everyday life and we get along really well. But I know, I know that we are only meant to be friends. I only want to be friends. I logically couldn’t be interested in this person. It just cannot happen. It will not happen. I will not allow it to happen.

I cannot, do not, will not, have a silly crush on a guy I work with who is almost 10 years younger than me. It’s all in my head, and it’s not true. Not even a little bit. Not at all. Never a crush. Never on him.

Never in a million years.