I’ve said before I think a lot.
I am capable of sitting for hours constructing an elaborate story in my mind, replaying a past experience, or planning for a future encounter. I think about things to the point of over thinking them. At times I obsess over a particular train of thought. It’s like my mind comes to a complete standstill and I cannot move forward because my mind just goes over the thought in an endless loop.
At other times, it can be hard to keep hold of a particular thought, my brain jumbles them all up and speeds along like a rapid. I’ll spend so much energy chasing my thoughts as they flit from one subject to another, never getting the chance to process them.
Whether I’m stuck in a loop, or struggling to catch up to my racing thoughts – I have great difficulty in switching off. My mind is never at peace or rest. And this makes it difficult to get to sleep and near impossible to stay asleep for any length of time. As a result I have a massive sleep debt built up, and once every few months I crash from exhaustion.
In the lead up to the crash I reach the worst part of the cycle: the nightmares. If I had bad dreams of the relatively harmless kind – like being caught in public naked, or not being able to answer any questions in an exam, or some other benign humiliation I could stand it.
But I have gut wrenching, graphically explicit, shocking and horror filled nightmares. In my dreams I’ve routinely watched myself impaled with a huge pine post, gutted, decapitated, mutilated and other horror upon horror of scenario. I don’t wake up where normal people wake up – at the implication that something is going to happen.
I watch the action as it happens, no censorship, no stylisation – just straight up blood, guts and terror. And then I wake up when it’s all over. When there is no point in waking up because the horror is over.
When I mention this to people I get asked if I watch a lot of gory movies, or TV, or video games or whatever. They think that something I’ve watched triggers the nightmares, which for many it’s a valid conclusion. I don’t typically watch explicitly gory things – mainly because I’m really rather squeamish and would be more likely to throw up or pass out rather than get scared.
Actually I really don’t watch much in the way of television or movies at all. I read a lot of book because I can really go wild with my imagination – books don’t force detail on you in the same way that a film or television show does. You have a lot more creative licence to envision a scene when you read a book. But again I don’t read books that would cause me to visualise something graphically violent because my imagination is just too good and I’ll make myself ill.
No the nightmares seem to be a manifestation of far too much energy being expended in thinking. I think it’s my minds way of forcing a melt down – a way of shocking me to the point where I just cannot think any more and my mind finally gets some respite and can rest.
The cycle is almost clockwork – over time my thoughts pick up in the speed at which they travel, and bring on the agitation, causing me to have difficulty falling and staying asleep. Then a weeks worth of nightmares bringing the sleeplessness to a critical breaking point. Followed by the crash, where I just fall to bits, and need to sleep for 2 or 3 days straight. And then after short period of mental lethargy where my thoughts are slower and clearer it all starts up again.
Where am I right now? Getting closer to the nightmares. i don’t have any clarity of thought at the moment. I’ve had difficulty writing this post because I can’t think straight. Everything I wanted to write flits in and out of my head faster than I can type (which incidentally is reasonably fluent at around 58 wpm).
I can’t really remember what the original intent of this post was – I know it was something about my thoughts working overtime but the specifics of what I wanted to say eludes me. This is a real problem for me I’m constantly trapped in my mind – and me being me it has a visual representation to go with that thought. When I picture my mind – it is a massive library complete with one of the old school cataloguing systems of index cards. The index cards are the markers or place holders for the books – and they keep everything neat, orderly and easy to locate. In my minds library the “books” are actually the specific memories or pieces of information I have stored.
However when my mind is in the state it is now – the library isn’t orderly and quiet. It looks as if a tornado has ripped through it – things everywhere, nothing is stored where it should be. The index cards have been thrown around the room, and sometimes rewritten so they don’t reference the correct data. The books have blank pages, ripped pages, and have been put back on the wrong shelves; if they are even shelved at all.
My mind is a complete mess, nothing is where it should be, and I can’t find what I am looking for.