Finally … and I do NOT

Finally after waiting for what feels like forever (it’s only been 5 months, but still!) I finally have a date I can move into my new home! The place was finished being built late November/early December … but then Christmas and New Year happened and I was stuck in a limbo waiting for a date of settlement.

And … *drum roll* … February 2nd is the big day! I am so excited I squealed when I received the text message from my dad confirming the date. And I never squeal! I’ve never been a girly girl, but I gave the girliest squeal ever! My very own place, my very own fresh start.

I can actually hand in my notice of intent to leave to my estate agent and tell them to stick it up their arses. Well not literally, I want my deposit back! But in my head that’s what I’ll be saying: A great big eff you!

Just the thought of having my very own home makes me want to squeal all over again! But it’s 12.19am, squealing is not an appropriate thing to do when I live in very close proximity to my neighbours (block of townhouses makes for less privacy).

At least this move will give me something to focus on other than something that has slowly been creeping up on my mind and taking permanent residence. An idea that has been growing the more I try to suppress and ignore it. Something I don’t even want to acknowledge because if I admit it to myself then it becomes real. And I really, really, don’t want this thought to manifest itself into reality. I don’t have time, energy, or desire to make the idea a reality.

I fear that I am developing a crush on someone. And I really don’t want to have a crush on him. It’s not something that would go anywhere, it couldn’t go anywhere. And I don’t even want to consider it going anywhere. But the less I feed it – the more it fricking grows. I swear it’s consuming my mind at the most inappropriate times of the day – when I am supposed to be talking to customers at work, or trying to sleep at night (like now).

I’m projecting, this is what it has to be. I’m subconsciously lonely and longing for someone, and so I’m projecting a crush on a specific guy. I must be talking myself into thinking I have a crush (on him in particular) for 2 reasons: he is there in my everyday life and we get along really well. But I know, I know that we are only meant to be friends. I only want to be friends. I logically couldn’t be interested in this person. It just cannot happen. It will not happen. I will not allow it to happen.

I cannot, do not, will not, have a silly crush on a guy I work with who is almost 10 years younger than me. It’s all in my head, and it’s not true. Not even a little bit. Not at all. Never a crush. Never on him.

Never in a million years.

8 thoughts on “Finally … and I do NOT

  1. I hate obsessive crushes! They intrude on one’s brain. Why can’t we get rid of them??? One good thing about getting older is that these obsessive things that take so much energy out of one’s life seem to fade. For me, anyway. They haven’t gone completely away, and sometimes they are horribly triggering, but at least it’s down to a few days before I can officially kick them out of my mind. Congrats on your new digs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      I’d sure like to get rid of it, especially because I’m convinced that it’s a crush of convenience. Sure we get along great, and he’s really nice, and such a gentleman. But my brain keeps telling me that it’s only him because he’s there and there’s no one else to crush on. And he’s not my type, and it would never work even if he was.
      It doesn’t help that my close friend (who works in the same office) is totally shipping the the idea of me and him. She’s been not so subtle about wanting us to hook up. And calls him my boyfriend because she knows it gets under my skin.
      But I’ll go on denying that I have a crush, because to admit it would lead to awkwardness and ruin the comfortable existence that I have at work, and kill the easy camaraderie I have with him. I’m not having any of that!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Good for you for keeping your head level! Sorry your friend keeps pushing this on you. Maybe it’s her that really likes him???


      • Karlee says:

        Hehe I should hope not! No definitely not, she is as completely and utterly in love with my brother as he is with her.
        I know where she gets her ideas about this guy and I. We get along really well, and sometimes we bicker about work stuff like an old married couple. If I were on the outside looking in, I’d probably be like her and say that there was definite interest present from me, and possibly even mutual interest from him. In other circumstances our personality types & sense of humour would be an ideal match. But in this lifetime it wouldn’t be.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. blahpolar says:

    Nothing wrong with crushes, if you can avoid expectations. I’m so glad you fiiiiiinally have a moving date!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I agree, nothing wrong with crushes. It gets the blood flowing anyway LOL. Congrats on getting the move-in date! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      Cheers, I really really can’t wait to be all moved in!
      I definitely agree with you about crushes – at least for everyone else anyway! I have neither the time, nor the energy, nor the desire to have a crush. It is just way too inconvenient right now, so I’m persisting in ignoring it, hoping it’ll take the hint and Eff right off!


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