My mum thinks I have weird taste in music. It is entirely possible that it is weird, however I like to think of it as eclectic. And of course depending on my mood, my musical choices change. I’ve never really thought about until recently – I have a specific type of music that I’ll listen to depending on which direction the mood pendulum is swinging.
It only really caught my attention because there is a particular song at the moment that I really can’t get enough of. The song is called Itch and it’s by a band from the UK called Colour of Bone (I’m obsessed with all of their music at the moment). I finally worked out today (after listening to it for weeks and weeks) that the reason this song is resonating so well with me is that the music almost perfectly creates an audial representation of the more unpleasant (manic) side of my experiences with Bipolar.
It begins with frantic, and agitated piano notes, and a verse that is harshly chanted and the words almost spat out. The frantic pace and heavy electronic sound suddenly gives ways to a calmer but uneasy chorus that hints of something bubbling just under the surface. After another frenetic verse, and uneasy chorus – with a sigh the music transitions to something more dreamy and almost psychedelic in nature.
This song is practically imitating how I am when I am on the way towards a manic episode. The build up of agitation and irritability, my skin practically crawling with anxiety. Those moments interspersed with reluctant surrender, the uneasy calm before I am totally losing control and any sense of reality. And even the lyrics speak volumes to me, to the angst and confusion and my loss of control. Especially the part of the chorus “Go I think I’ll be a while…” the way it’s sung it matches the way I feel – with a heavy sigh I am resigning myself to the fact that the pendulum has swung, and I have to go into damage control.
I have been very good at maintaining control and not getting into a full blown manic (complete with psychosis) stage. But it’s always there, under the surface, an itch I can’t reach, can’t relieve. Never quite sure when everything I have carefully built will all come crashing down.
But I don’t fear the crash. I never waste time and energy fearing it. I just do the best I can do with what I’ve got. One foot in front of the other.