Smoke and Mirrors

I am a superficial extrovert. Once I am comfortable with people, I appear to be a chatty, friendly, and fun loving person who is just a little on the crazy side. Most people would tell you that I am also a very open and honest person – what you see is what you get.

Yet, if any of them looked very closely, they would see that I barely reveal a thing about my true self. I tend to move around people like the moon orbits the earth – here on earth we never ever see what’s on the other side of the moon. People only ever see one side of me – the carefully constructed, and controlled persona that I want them to see. The other, truer self is hidden very deep and out of reach.

Why do I make myself so untouchable? Why do I so carefully guard my soul with walls so high? Why do I keep people at arms length? I choose this for myself because I am safe from harm.

I feel like if I keep myself at a safe distance from the rest of the world then I protect my vulnerability. I am not exposing my fragile self to the chance of being torn apart by “the wolves”. Being untouchable also means that if I don’t let anyone near me then I can’t disappoint anyone with what’s really inside.

I’m incredibly lonely, more than anyone would ever know. But I choose this place for myself because I am not ready to open the doors and let my soul run free. I’m not ready to let people inside the crystal palace of my mind. I’m not ready to let them learn of the private, fragile me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. But someday I hope to be.

If that day comes, I will take away the smoke and mirrors I’ve so carefully placed to fool people into thinking they know who I am. On that day I will shine like the sun and everyone around will see who I really am. But until then I am & will remain that superficial extrovert.

7 thoughts on “Smoke and Mirrors

  1. I get where you are coming from. I feel the same way. It has been my experience that when I have in the past opened up to people that they either judged me or they used it against me at some point and time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      Thank you for your comment. Writing this blog and reading the blogs of others, has opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone. Which makes life easier to cope with!

      Like

  2. girlseule says:

    Oh my goodness I am reading this thinking, this is exactly what I am like!! Not letting anyone in on what really goes on in my head is lonely and isolating as shit, but I have no idea how to change or even if i want to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      Thanks for commenting. At least we aren’t totally isolated when we know others feel the same way as we do. I get you with the not knowing if you want to change your circumstance – it’s so easy to remain distant, safe from harm.

      Like

  3. hazelnutpie says:

    That first paragraph describes me pretty spot on! 🙂 Somebody told me just yesterday that I am a very social introvert. He can perceive that I am an introvert, but I am super open and chatty. However, I know that I have, to some extent, created this persona! I think it’s a defense mechanism of some sort. Kind of depressing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      It can be depressing. But I try to remind myself that my persona is more like a suit of armour as opposed to a costume. A suit of armour protects me from harm, where as a costume would indicate I am being someone completely different.
      I’m still me, just a heavily protected version. 🙂

      Like

  4. Hi, very touching to read. Thank you for being across my blog, good to be across yours too 🙂

    Like

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