Like Sunday Morning.

I used to be an easily agitated person. I’d fly off the handle and lose my temper very easily. I remember as a teenager my mum started saying I needed anger management classes because I’d suddenly lose my shit and yell and shout over the littlest of things. And I could physically feel it within me. I had days where I had this darkness inside me, this negative energy and I’d actually want to blow a fuse and lose it. I’d wake up and know that all it would take was something insignificant and I’d be gone. In those black moods I wanted to hurt and upset those I cared about.

I wasn’t a physically violent person, but definitely threatening and verbally abusive. It was a very ugly thing, and I am ashamed to admit that I was like this. Because it wasn’t me, not really who I am inside. I mean I did those things, I take responsibility for my actions and feel bad for them. But it was to some extent something that was out my control until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started having the appropriate therapy and medication.

One of the things I’ve noticed since I’ve been on my medication is that situations where I would have melted down just fly right over my head and I keep my cool. In general, when it comes to potentially upsetting scenarios mostly I am very chill.

I’m like Sunday Morning. Easy.

I don’t get as bothered about people or things as I used to. Once upon a time my fuse was so short I would sometimes snap if my ex breathed loudly at night (poor guy has a deviated septum it’s very difficult for him to breath through his nose at all let alone when trying to sleep!).

These days most little things don’t bug me, and many big things barely affect me. I still have my moments when I get angry. From time to time I get a little irritable, I might be a teensy bit short or snappish. And I still have anxiety issues, but I normally clam up and internalise rather than externalise. I don’t shout and scream and rant and rave like I used to. When I’m off kilter nowadays I am far more likely get either super happy or super sad. There are far fewer phases of rage. Most days I have an unfazed, laid back attitude.

If anyone remembers Lucas from E

If anyone remembers Lucas from Empire Records, sometimes I think I’m almost as Zen as he is!

3 thoughts on “Like Sunday Morning.

  1. pearlgirl90 says:

    I appreciate your self-awareness and general openness about a rather difficult and sensitive topic. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m finding this blog to be a place where I can be honest about the who I am, who I was, who I would like to be.
      I’m really not good at talking about these things, I can never find the words to have a spontaneous conversation about me and the things that make me tick.
      It’s so much easier to write it down in my own time and my own way. No expectations, no scrabbling to think of what to say or how to say it.
      And it’s helping me to heal. Admitting to myself some of the not so nice things about me allows me to let them go and forgive myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • pearlgirl90 says:

        I’m so glad that you’re able to find healing through this. It’s amazing how cathartic writing can be. Through the good and the bad, self-awareness makes such a world of difference, and you definitely seem to be traveling that path. 🙂

        Like

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