Today The Loneliness Hurts A Little

I’m feeling a little melancholic today and I’m not really sure why. I’m not depressed (not yet anyway) it’s just that there is a little heaviness in my heart. I think it’s the fact it’s getting close to Christmas and New Year’s Eve. It really sucks feeling lonely at this time of year.

Three of my team mates at work became engaged over the past couple of months and so they do a lot of gossiping about their upcoming weddings and all the plans they are making. I’m not jealous, I’m really, really, not. I don’t want to get married, not really. It just seems like too much of a hassle and too much money to invest into a single event.

I just want someone to love me. But I know that can’t happen until I love myself. I really don’t have the energy to devote to anyone else when I am still so fragile. And I can’t honestly say that I have any love for myself. I don’t hate so much anymore, but I’m still a long way from love. Indifference I think it where I am at in my feelings about myself. Oscillating between sheer indifference and vague dislike.

And until I can find at least a shred of love to give to myself, there is no way I could even begin to let another person into my life. That would be dishonest and irresponsible. I couldn’t expect anyone to love me when I haven’t any for myself. But how do you make yourself love something you are so heavily programmed to have negative feelings towards? That is something I don’t yet have an answer to, but I’ll keep looking I guess.

Unfortunately logic and rationality doesn’t ease the nagging sadness in my heart.

8 thoughts on “Today The Loneliness Hurts A Little

  1. hazelnutpie says:

    Very good idea to work on loving yourself before devoting time and energy to another person…too many people don’t do that. It’s also good to not try to use a romantic relationship to compensate for your negative feelings. That’s also a common occurrence, and a damaging one. I feel lonely a lot as well, and I wish I could be engaged like a lot of other girls my age who are constantly posting about it on FB. But I guess it’s just not the right time for me to be engaged, so I need to take advantage of the time I have to work on myself. Hope that you find some relief from your melancholic lonely feelings and that you find fulfillment during the holidays. I know it feels really sad to not have someone for the holidays.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      Like all things, my melancholy will pass. It’s not crippling me, particularly when I went Christmas shopping for my kids presents yesterday. It’s so hard to be unhappy when I’m gift shopping!
      I hate shopping in most circumstances – except for when i’m looking for presents for other people. Something about gift giving really makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m also trying to love myself. How to turn repulsion into love? As cliched as it sounds, changing the self-talk in my head does work. Eg. I am an incredible human being – I am so proud of myself – you must list your good qualities that you feel proud of, use those as a foundation and build from there. The physical me is a whole other story 🙂 We can journey together

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karlee says:

      I have written before about the different “voices” in my head. Not so much voices, just different aspects of my self fighting for ultimate dominance. I find listening to music constantly can help drown out some of the noise. I’m not so great at self affirmation, but I’m getting better at ignoring the emotional abuse I try to put myself through.
      I like the idea of journeying together! Not so scary that way 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. iamcayenne says:

    …But like the movies..when that sweet person comes…he can actually make you see yourself in a different light and make you fall in love with yourself and him simultaneously…..😊

    Like

    • Karlee says:

      That is such a romantic notion. I wish I could share a belief in it. I’m usually an idealist, but not when it comes to love.
      It’s okay though, because right now I don’t have love or time to give to anyone else in a romantic capacity. I’m still so fragile in my mind and need to work through it and build everything back up again.
      When I’m ready I’m sure I’ll find love.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hev says:

    Sending a virtual (but massive) hug your way. I have good days and bad days this time of year and I know how much the bad days suck xx

    Liked by 1 person

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